I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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