We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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