Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
