So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
