I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
