I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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