he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
