Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
