The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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