I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
