Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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