im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
