Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
