Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
