i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Randomize
