I'm going to jail i love you
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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