if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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