What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
