awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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