Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
