I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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