a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize