Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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