Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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