Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
