the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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