But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
