I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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