gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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