Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
