I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize