i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We need a shit load of segways right now
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
