9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
