I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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