I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
