I think I won the penis lottery.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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