Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
