I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
