It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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