get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
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