An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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