I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Everything about him screamed your future.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
