Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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