so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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