Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
