Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
