You can't motorboat a personality
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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