He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
