can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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