im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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