he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
