:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
My ATM looks so different sober.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
