I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Terrible idea I love it
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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