Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
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