Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
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