The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
