someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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