Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
